The Dream of “Moscow”

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To lack ambition, and the necessary perseverance and work ethic to achieve it, is to me the greatest fault in a man. Laziness I cannot abide. My own hungry, determined, and impatient nature requires a partner, (or at the very least, companions), of like passion. Life is too short, and too precious, to settle for mediocrity.

But do I need a man to stand by my side all my life? To support me, to love me unconditionally, to be willing to lay down his life for mine, as I would for him? For my whole life, that has been my dream. The dream of “Moscow.” In the Chekhov play that is my life, I cast myself as the second sister, Masha. Chained to a man she does not love, embittered, and always laughing about it. But everyone else seems determined to cast me as Irina. The youngest sister, hopeful, wanting nothing but true love with a man.

And now – now, I am no longer certain that I want to go to Moscow. I’m not sure I want to give that much of myself to another person anymore. Somehow, whenever I do it, it ends badly. And both times, I was the one to end it. Because the perfection, the ease, the beauty, had gone. If marriage is inevitably a whole life of “Hemming and Hawing,” then I don’t want to be married. I cannot bear the thought of belonging to a man so totally. And worse – to belong to a boring life so totally.

Today I am against ownership. I cannot believe in it. I cannot believe it comes to good. I can RENT my smiles, my body, my heart. But never again can I give away my whole self, my soul. Because I am the one who breaks. And then I run.

I am perfectly amenable to being swept off my feet by, as Oscar Wilde puts it, The Ideal Husband. But I am not waiting for it.

Furthermore, my career is no longer something I am willing to sacrifice for any man. I am an actress, a creator, an Artist, and that work cannot be denied. It is my responsibility, my duty to humanity, to do that work, to the best of my ability, for as long as I am living on this earth.

I will no longer be compromised.

© 2018 by Anne Yumi Kobori

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